4/22/17 Finding
the right words
I am
struggling with what and how to write all of this. My mind is bouncing around
and over everything that has happened over the last almost 3 years. I kind of
sped through those first few months with Jane, so I am going back up to the
beginning with her.
I met Jane
through a craigslist ad though this is something we never tell anyone. I was
lonely and was trying anything to meet someone, to at the very least to make a
new friend. It started with emails, then
we began texting and Facebook messaging as well as talking on the phone. We did this for a week maybe two before we
met, during those conversations she eventually asked. She thought I was a pretty cool guy and was
wondering how or why I was single.
In the beginning
I have always tried to be honest
with those I have dated, at least those that I felt something for, but with her
I wanted to honest from the beginning. I
was at a point in my life I didn’t want to begin something with her or anyone
with this in my closet. If my
crossdressing was going to be an issue or problem I wanted to know now so I
could move on. She was very curious and not frightened away or turned off by my
confession, which was very encouraging.
We talked about it a lot, my history of crossdressing, my road to
personal acceptance, she even read a blog I had started with I was trying to
traverse that road of acceptance.
It
intrigued her, because it is so uncommon I suppose and at the time it was rare
for someone to be as open about it as I was. After chatting and talking for
about a week though it feels like two weeks, we met. I picked her up on my
motorcycle and we went out that night and had an amazing time.
I am going to
forgo all the usual relationship things and focus on the relative topic at
hand. Things were fun. We had fun. I believe it was our 3rd or 4th
date that Jane talked me in to getting dolled up with her and going out. We
went to a local drag bar and had a lot of fun. We began doing a lot of fun
things dolled up, we would go out to eat, out dancing and even grocery
shopping. One day I met her at work and
she brought me inside to meet some of her coworkers. I didn’t think it was a
very good idea but she was set on it so in we went, fortunately there was no
one in. it was like a ghost town. I was relieved.
Cut it out
Things went like this for a couple
of months, I had gotten comfortable around her and began… wearing more feminine
things around the house, not necessarily dolling up, but like pantyhose and
shorty shorts with regular t-shirts and ‘guy mode’. This is when i noticed her
attitude regarding the whole dressing thing changing.
She began to get more frustrated
with me, this is about the same time we had gotten pregnant but didn’t know
yet. At this point we were no longer doing anything together dolled up. It was
like she had a total distain for it, kind of like when you get too drunk on
tequila and then want nothing to do with it.
After we found out we were pregnant and I had moved in pretty much
anything woman related was out, on any kind of day to day basis. I would still
get dolled up on my days off and go out on my own, during the day, most
shopping for stuff I would never have the time to wear.
One day I went out, it seems like
it was around august, I had go out and decided to get some acrylic nails, but I
tried to get them to look as natural as possible, even with matte finish. I knew I was taking a chance. She didn’t
notice until we met her dad that night for dinner. Once we got home she was
very upset. I will not get into the specifics, most because I don’t remember
the specifics, I have a terrible memory.
When all was said, and done, it was pretty much stop or leave. I could
stay and be a dad to my daughter or keep dressing and be a part time dad.
This is me hard, but even unborn my
daughter was the most important thing to me in the world. I could understand
where she was coming from. It took me nearly twenty years to accept myself and
I still am not very open about in regards to certain parts of my life. She has
two kids who were still very young at the time, she didn’t want to expose them
to that confusion. So it wasn’t just the she didn’t want to be around it. She
was also thinking of her family.
Jane is not a bad person. A lot
happened in that first year we were together. Our relationship changed
dramatically and drastically. So, I don’t hold any of this against her, And I
wouldn’t want anyone else to either…
This has been tough to compose,
tough to slow the onslaught or thoughts and emotions and try to organize them
into a cohesive thought or time line. I am going to stop here for today.
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