day three

4/23/17            On A Lighter Side

Jane has begun buying me leggings again, I believe it began again this past Christmas. She had made comment about how she didn’t know what to get for me, and I jokingly told her she could always buy me some leggings.

 I wear leggings around the house a lot, and to the Walmart down the road. It is a Walmart populated by mostly college kids and in the 2 years we have lived there I have only seen one person I kind of knew. I was in a t-shirt and these orange leggings that were almost kind of see threw so I doubled up with a white pair underneath. Now these are ankle length leggings that I usually will fold up to just below my knee so they are capris length. So, on this day I had these bright orange leggings with a think white cuff just below my knee, I was also wearing a blue t-shirt and tan knee highs, to give you a complete picture. I am in the grocery section walking up the aisle just between grocery and the clothing sections, and that aisle is always a double aisle with displays halving it up, and I see this guy walk buy. I still couldn’t tell you his name, we just kind of head nodded at each other and kept walking. I have no idea if he saw my leggings or not with the way the aisle was, and I didn’t look back. He was a guy that use to work at the chemical plant with me, but back to my main train of thought.       

I wear leggings a lot, and surprisingly the kids have never given me a hard time about it or asked me or Jane anything in regards to them. I began with yoga pants and over the last 2 years or so I wear all shades and shapes of leggings with t-shirts, or sweaters depending on the weather. My point being, it’s the kids I must get by.

I ran out to my car one day for something, and just threw on the first pair of shoes I could find in the shoe box. (an end table type box that is about half open on the two long sides) Those shoes happen to be black ballet flats, after retrieving my phone or whatever it was I went out there for, it slipped my mind to take them back off and Jim notices, because he notices everything expect the mess in his room. “Are you wearing girl shoes?” I immediately retort, no I am wearing my shoes, take them off and put them back in the shoe box, but I knew the damage was done.

Damaging

            Setting the personas aside, the regular day to day side dressing we will call it (girl clothes in guy mode, leggings and t-shirts for example) isn’t much of an issue if the kids don’t question it. Jane doesn’t want to confuse them, and it kills her for them to notice I am not wearing typical male attire. This understandable, to a point, I believe, seeing me walk around in high heels would be very questionable. However, I also believe they are smarter and more open than she gives them credit for. 

I suppose the way I see it, if I am not hurting them or embarrassing them or anyone I am with (in public places or when company is over) then what does it matter what me or you or any of us wear, if we are not exposing ourselves.

            Interestingly, they have never said anything about my knee highs I usually wear with my leggings, at least when I have shoes on. I try not to make it obvious when I am putting them on, they have walked in on me and thought nothing of it.  Jinni tried to laugh at me one time for having a purse which I refer to as a bag, but I just stopped and asked why would it be ok for her to carry a bag and not me, she replied that she was a girl. I questioned what that had to do with needing something to tote your stuff in, which seemed to make complete sense to her at the time, thankfully.  Maddie is also perfectly happy painting my toe nails but that is a barrier that was broken down long before my crossdressing was ever an issue.

            I remember one time not long after we started dating, she had taken the day off and we were going to do some shopping. Jim however woke up sick so he stayed home. We still went shopping and Jane was perfectly fine with me wearing a t-shirt, short shorts and tan pantyhose with tennis shoes. Jim never made any comments to me about what I was wearing, he was only five then.  Side note, I am still amazed I went to Tallahassee’s biggest mall wearing that and didn’t run into someone I knew.

            So yeah, I have a LOT of leggings and a lot of tan knee highs. Over the past couple of months, it has been difficult for me to go barefoot, I get a terrible pain in my heels. It isn’t uncommon and most drug stores carry heel pad inserts for this type thing. I would love to wear my ballet flats around the house too, but apparently, they are just too feminine, so I am usually in tennis shoes.

day two

4/22/17            Finding the right words

            I am struggling with what and how to write all of this. My mind is bouncing around and over everything that has happened over the last almost 3 years. I kind of sped through those first few months with Jane, so I am going back up to the beginning with her.

            I met Jane through a craigslist ad though this is something we never tell anyone. I was lonely and was trying anything to meet someone, to at the very least to make a new friend.  It started with emails, then we began texting and Facebook messaging as well as talking on the phone.  We did this for a week maybe two before we met, during those conversations she eventually asked.  She thought I was a pretty cool guy and was wondering how or why I was single. 

In the beginning

I have always tried to be honest with those I have dated, at least those that I felt something for, but with her I wanted to honest from the beginning.  I was at a point in my life I didn’t want to begin something with her or anyone with this in my closet.  If my crossdressing was going to be an issue or problem I wanted to know now so I could move on. She was very curious and not frightened away or turned off by my confession, which was very encouraging.  We talked about it a lot, my history of crossdressing, my road to personal acceptance, she even read a blog I had started with I was trying to traverse that road of acceptance.

            It intrigued her, because it is so uncommon I suppose and at the time it was rare for someone to be as open about it as I was. After chatting and talking for about a week though it feels like two weeks, we met. I picked her up on my motorcycle and we went out that night and had an amazing time.

            I am going to forgo all the usual relationship things and focus on the relative topic at hand. Things were fun. We had fun. I believe it was our 3^rd or 4^th date that Jane talked me in to getting dolled up with her and going out. We went to a local drag bar and had a lot of fun. We began doing a lot of fun things dolled up, we would go out to eat, out dancing and even grocery shopping.  One day I met her at work and she brought me inside to meet some of her coworkers. I didn’t think it was a very good idea but she was set on it so in we went, fortunately there was no one in. it was like a ghost town. I was relieved.

Cut it out

Things went like this for a couple of months, I had gotten comfortable around her and began… wearing more feminine things around the house, not necessarily dolling up, but like pantyhose and shorty shorts with regular t-shirts and ‘guy mode’. This is when i noticed her attitude regarding the whole dressing thing changing.

She began to get more frustrated with me, this is about the same time we had gotten pregnant but didn’t know yet. At this point we were no longer doing anything together dolled up. It was like she had a total distain for it, kind of like when you get too drunk on tequila and then want nothing to do with it.  After we found out we were pregnant and I had moved in pretty much anything woman related was out, on any kind of day to day basis. I would still get dolled up on my days off and go out on my own, during the day, most shopping for stuff I would never have the time to wear.

One day I went out, it seems like it was around august, I had go out and decided to get some acrylic nails, but I tried to get them to look as natural as possible, even with matte finish.  I knew I was taking a chance. She didn’t notice until we met her dad that night for dinner. Once we got home she was very upset. I will not get into the specifics, most because I don’t remember the specifics, I have a terrible memory.  When all was said, and done, it was pretty much stop or leave. I could stay and be a dad to my daughter or keep dressing and be a part time dad.

This is me hard, but even unborn my daughter was the most important thing to me in the world. I could understand where she was coming from. It took me nearly twenty years to accept myself and I still am not very open about in regards to certain parts of my life. She has two kids who were still very young at the time, she didn’t want to expose them to that confusion. So it wasn’t just the she didn’t want to be around it. She was also thinking of her family.

Jane is not a bad person. A lot happened in that first year we were together. Our relationship changed dramatically and drastically. So, I don’t hold any of this against her, And I wouldn’t want anyone else to either…

This has been tough to compose, tough to slow the onslaught or thoughts and emotions and try to organize them into a cohesive thought or time line. I am going to stop here for today.

day one

4/21/17            Personas

I haven’t gotten dolled up in a Long Time…

            Ok, by dolled up, I mean head to toe female persona… this definition has changed for me over the last couple of years… months… days…  Let me start my saying I love leggings… love them. I would wear them every day if I could, and as is, I wear them every day I can. I have more leggings than could fit in your standard chest of drawers, drawer. Though most are standard run of the mill $4 Walmart leggings and mostly black.

            I don’t just wear leggings around the house, I am not completely ashamed to wear them out around town (Tallahassee FL) if I am fairly certain I am not going to run into someone I know from work.  In the winter months, I will wear slouch boots or riding boots with my leggings and sweater or long sleeve, but always in ‘guy’ mode… I am not fond of that phrasing. At all. Guy mode. I am always in guy mode… and this is what brings me back around to female persona…    

Lynn

            I am supposing that there are certain mannerisms that come along with wearing short skirts and high heels. A certain swing in your hips, a saunter in your step, a way of holding your chin just above level. But it is more than that. More than the way one must cross their legs, or sit just so in a chair or bar stool. There is that flutter of the eye, the eye brows raising with your smile. That feeling of sunshine… is that what a persona is built on… I am still me heart and soul. Same values, same beliefs, same sense of humor though in heels I admit I am more shy with my wit.

            My love’s issue with me is this… She isn’t gay, she doesn’t like women… So, she doesn’t like when I get dolled up. (I miss acrylic nails and the way they feel) When she was pregnant she drew a line in the sand…

            When I met Jane, I had been at my current job for about 6 months… Let’s go back a little further… a lot further.

            In 2009 my wife of all of 10 months divorced me. Late 2009 or early 2010 I was 33 or 34, I decided to start a blog to help me come to grips with who I am, to help me accept me for me. I soon found out I had an amazing amount of support. It was unbelievable how incredible my friends were/are. By 2013 when I accepted a job in my home town, I could get dolled up, go to my favorite local hole in the wall bar, I occasionally had lady’s nights with my friends. It was a total dream…

 Then Things Change.

I began work at a chemical plant in 2013 and moved to Bainbridge. I moved in with my parents and lived in the garage. (imagine a big boom, lighting bolts) Now I am working about 50 60 hours a week, making great money, I am close to my family and get to hang out with my brother and his family. My niece just being over a year old. Things were good… and they weren’t.

I was depressed. My friends and all my support were 90 miles away, I felt alone and lonely. (lonely is another mess unto itself) I found a gay bar in Tallahassee and met a few people but no one that I could hang out with, I wasn’t making any friends and my new jobs work schedule didn’t help.

October of that year, I met Jane.

She was amazing! We had so much fun… and best of all she was very supportive of my female (ugg I truly hate using that word) persona. We went out to eat, we went to local bars and clubs, we even went shopping at Walmart. Then she began to get over whelmed I suppose is a way to put it. I was coming back into my own and she missed ‘Luther’… The breaking point was a trip we made to St. Augustine. I was looking forward to it and treated it as a girl’s weekend with my love, and she had not had this in mind. We began to fight about it and we would make up, I began cutting back.

In April, we found out she was pregnant with Lily and a few months later is when she drew the line in the sand.

This page has been very difficult for me to write. And the next part is going to be harder to openly admit.